Lonely Valentine Story 8: My temple was burnt. Survivors?
I wonder how many people lose that person in their life that gets their whole heart. I wonder how many people just let go because they think it will be easier. I wonder what it is like for them to have to move on knowing that they’ll always want him over anyone else. Well for all those people I have some advice: When you finally find him, when he makes you happier than anyone else, never let him slip away, hold him tight. Hold onto him with everything you got and fight until the very end. Because he’ll always be on the back of your mind and in your heart even if you move on, you will live a life miserable at best and on every nice occasion you will smile and think of him, you would give everything to once again feel him, touch him and look at him. Sure you’ll fall in love again, but will it be the same? Never. Because he was the one.
My story is different, my man wasn’t the one, he wasn’t the Prince Charming. Out of all the Prices around I chose, it turned out, the most Un-Charming of them all. You see Alladin didn’t break Jasmine’s heart, Prince Charming didn’t dare hurt Cinderella and the Beast went out of his way to please Belle. Maybe finding that kind of man in reality is a challenge, but I’d rather take the risk of never finding one than live with you in hell of waiting. It is of course your loss, but it is mine too. I stopped wondering who did what wrong, who should have made a move, why you didn’t call anymore, why I ignored you, what was real and what was a fake. It’s irrelevant. The only thing worth knowing is that you are gone from my life.
I used to think that finding someone you felt crazily passionate about, with someone who made you lightheaded, your sleep unnecessary, your eyes shining and your stomach sick always meant it was something special. But these are things just happen and nobody can explain why or how. It has nothing to do with things you are doing to me or for me. It’s probably me projecting my own imagery onto the world and sticking it to you because the size seemed to fit. It’s like pointing the torch to an area that I need filling and you are completely unaware of it, you don’t actually do anything, so it’s nothing to do with you. You couldn’t understand what caused such an attraction, I had no idea. There was no reason of any kind. I don’t think anyone is so omnipotent as to construct a reason capable of creating such depth and magnitude of feelings.
How long was I going to imagine things I don’t know but I am glad I landed rather hard onto the swords of reality. The truth is – you are not worth it, you are not worth an extra minute of my time. So was it worth it? Yes, every second of it. You made me experience a multitude of emotions good and bad, strong and subtle as I went from the highs of romanticism to the edges of passion and temptation, to the depth of grief and fears and to the eventual realisation of sad disappointment. Welcome to reality I am telling myself, welcome to the real world, it sucks and it’s not perfect, but it’s how it is.
I thank you for having been somewhat purposeful. You came with a mission to teach me a lesson of letting go of my fears to be alone because by the way you behaved and treated me I felt alone and got used to the feeling, and it no longer scared me. You made me realize that feelings can be deep and shallow and that I should not expect everyone to share my depth. You simply didn’t have it so how can I blame you for not experiencing the same depth? I can’t. Equally you taught me to be selfish by your own example. You also, by desire or design, brought the deepest of my personal issues to the surface so I could deal with them, it was a big release and I feel lighter now. I guess you were one of those people who were supposed to walk into my life, teach me a lesson, and then walk away.
I wait for days when I completely forget who you are, when the sound of your name sounds antique and worn, and I don’t recall why I needed you so badly to begin with.
Sometimes I really wonder how stupid it would seem to him to see me sitting with my eyes never leaving the phone screen waiting for his text or how I go on for day remembering the things he told me months and months ago. I really wonder what he would say if he knew he meant that much to me.