Lonely Valentine Story 7: Operation DELETE
By the power vested in me I now pronounce you erased and blocked. You may now kiss my butt. I am moving on.
You did it. You went from hero to zero in a second. It was coming, you took your time in a long leap and finally you made it. Congratulations. What else can I say? You did an impressive job, bow and goodbye. There is no point reserving a space for someone who is not making an effort to stay.
I want to rid myself of you and of all the traces of you in my life. I don’t hate you, no but I don’t need you either. You were never a waste of time. You were just a harsh realization that I could do better. I delete you not because it didn’t feel good, but because you are not what I imagined you to be and those feelings therefore are not real, they would be a lie, my imagination, it would feel fake.
I marked your email as spam and blocked it, I deleted your number and your contacts, I have changed my passwords that consisted of your name, I deleted your pictures, I removed any reminder of you and burnt the letters I wrote to you. Nobody around me is allowed to mention your name or refer to you in any way. I missed you then, but get lost now.
In life we get deceived by our own emotions, I call it crimes of passion. You need to do a health check every now and then to make sure you are still tuned into reality. Run away to see who runs after you, talk quieter to see who’s really listening, step up to fight to see who’s standing by your side, make a wrong decision to see who’s there to help you fix it and let go of the one you love just to see if they love you enough to make the effort to stay.
What if you magically decide to reappear? It is unlikely. You are not the kind that will fight for someone, especially now that I realized that even if you were it wouldn’t be for me. I have mistaken you for someone who gave a damn.
If you manage to get through my wall somehow I will make sure I will mount another one that allows you no entrance whatsoever. I’ll return you Page Not Found! I will not talk to you again, I will not explain, I will not listen. I am harsh but that’s the only way I can do it. I decided to be happy without you and I’m determined to evaporate you from every cell of my body, from every side of my reality and dreams. So if I ever bumped into you it will not feel awkward. It would feel like someone from the past, some crazy story I had. A complete stranger with awkward and out of place attitude.
Get some condoms for your heart as I am about to screw any nice human feelings you may possibly have.
My full ignorance must hurt you. It must have felt nice to have me hanging there for you all the time, day and night. At your first call there was a girl that made a difference, a girl that made you a story to tell. And I hope it hurts you like hell, it really should. I want it to be a crucifying pain paired with lonely sorrow. I want you to be gutted , deeply gutted! I want you to realize what you lost. I want you to want me. I want you to feel how I’ve felt. I want you to wake up and remember me, I want you to go to a party and feel lonely without me, I want you to condemn the days you were so cold and the day you let me let you go out of my heart. Promise me you won’t just forget me, appreciate that I changed you somehow, that you’ll remember me. Letting go of you is hard enough but I don’t want to live knowing that I meant absolutely nothing to you.
Paradox isn’t it: a girl says ‘I am done’ but means ‘Fight for me!’ If you really fight I promise I’ll give you a chance in my next life and guess what, I’ll be very demanding and critical then. Ever heard the phrase ‘You break it, you buy it?’ Well darling… Pay up!