Lonely Valentine Story 4: On hold and waiting for magic
With your general absence from my life I had plenty of time to study a huge amount of literature to analyse your behaviours. I learnt about men’s insecurities, the drivers behind their non-attachment, the fears of rejection and abandonment and I made a very clear picture in my head, which nicely justified your cold behaviour. You were basically an iceberg in the ocean with only a white and shining tip sticking out and all of your crap was under the dark surface of the sea. I have re-read all our messages and gone through what I could remember of our conversations to confirm my findings. You were effectively a very insecure man who must have been hurt rather badly at the young tender age, who didn’t think of himself hero, who was shy and feared like hell that an amazing girl like me would soon get bored and dump him living him in irreparable injury and scars for life. You therefore chose to play cool, keep distance and don’t get attached to avoid the (eventually) coming blow. That was the conclusion of my analysis. I told myself that since I have feelings for you I should embrace you how you are and inspire you to slowly open up to me, share your feelings, get ready for the ride and just enjoy the butterfly effect.
I watched the Downton Abbey and read the poetry. Yes, the real man is not floppy and emotional. He feels things but doesn’t show, he doesn’t act upon his feelings but rather upon his duty and somehow it turns out that the lady gets it, waits for him patiently, doesn’t get too close, doesn’t talk openly about her feelings. She writes him lovely letters where she calls him her lord and there’s endless waiting in between their encounters. Well I thought, you are a real gentleman and I guess I should stock up on cupcakes and wait it out quietly until you decide to pay me the visit and bless me with your attention.
It was a very odd experience. I am a very emotional being and all the relationships I had before were so close and intimate from the start that this whole playing distant seemed weird and I couldn’t wait until you finally get me into your safety zone and I can get back to my burning passionate spirit. But how long am I meant to wait? Can’t keep the fire burning this way forever! The world modernized since the old English days and it’s about the time you also do the same. What you think we are living in the past century? Get real, I am going crazy!
The doubt slowly crept in…
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